Car Trouble

“This is not going to be easy” I think as I get off the phone with my sister Hailey. We have decided that we have to convince our 87-year-old mother Ginny to give up her car and we know that we can’t just control this decision. There has to be discussion. Persuasion. Older parents don’t appreciate being “bullied” into something, even if it’s well-intentioned. And we know she loves that car.

But we are at the crossroads. First, the car is over 10 years old. The front right headlight area had been recently “dinged” although mom was adamant that it was a service vehicle that had parked next to her that did it. The tires need to be replaced again. The air conditioning is shot. The previous summer, we had looked into replacing it and the price was exorbitant. We chose to add Freon which worked although we understood that it was a temporary fix.

And that’s not the only problem.

Mom had recently confided to Hailey that she had fallen asleep at the wheel driving home from the grocery store one morning.

“It was only for a second” she told her, “but I hit the curb which woke me up. I got home ok.”

My sister was appreciative that mom shared this story. Mom probably wishes she hadn’t.

So, do we invest in a new or used car and run the risk of another sleep episode? Or, do we sit her down and explain the reasons on why her driving days are over? Those four wheels are the bedrock of her independence. She has lived alone and driven herself for 39 years now. My father passed away a long time ago. We both dread the thought of removing this piece of freedom from her world.

I saw a news story that in 2016, there were 290,000 crash injuries reported for older adults (over 65). She easily could have been a statistic that morning.

But we also recognized that we had an equally enormous problem. If we took her car away, how would she get around? Get her food? Get to doctor’s appointments etc.?

Ride share options such as Lyft or Uber would not be possible. Ginny is fearful of technology so she is unable to cope with a smart phone or apps of any kind.

This was a complicated issue. Plus, she wasn’t initially thrilled with our idea. Yes, the sleep incident had scared her, but she began to bury it and move on. She was “fine”.

We realized that we would need time to figure it out so the decision-making eased into a transition period. Over the next two months, while she continued to drive, we did two things. We planted the seed (multiple times) that her car was old and that she should sell or donate it “soon.” Then, we busted our humps trying to think of alternatives. We live one and two hours away respectively. We needed a plan.

Independent/assisted living facilities do offer van transportation to almost anywhere, but it wasn’t realistic to think we should move her for that reason. It would take months to figure out the financing and find the right place anyway.

Was there a fellow resident in her apartment complex we could hire? Well, Ginny had only really bonded with one woman named Lois and she was older than mom. We didn’t want to select someone mom didn’t know.

I knew the trick was to find and offer an alternative that was better than driving herself. I was just getting ready to investigate whether medical home help care covers running errands when it hit me.

My sister-in-law Betsy lives 15 minutes away from Ginny. She had retired earlier than she preferred due to a change in ownership of her company.

She has a ton of energy and is always on the go, looking for things to do. When her own mother passed in January 2016, it left a huge void as she was an attentive daughter reaching out to her mom everyday with food and a visit. She had told us at one point that she was considering volunteering at that same nursing home long after her mom had passed. She loves helping people.

This sold me. We hardly wanted to put her in a position to be taking care of another aging woman, but if we could set up times and parameters where she would drive my mother to her favorite weekly stops: the grocery store, the library, the bank and her hair salon, it might work. We would pay her an hourly rate and it would probably average 6–7 hours a week. I was tentative in asking her, but I just thought this could be a great pairing.

Betsy was all in. She was the perfect person for this job. Would mom think so?

I came over to her apartment and started the conversation. “Mom, Dennis’s sister Betsy is interested in helping you out with driving.”

“You won’t have to worry about your car breaking down or a medical issue behind the wheel, she will drive you wherever you like. And she’ll be fun company for you” I added.

This was the final selling point. Although she didn’t know Betsy well, I know that having someone to talk with was enticing. There were times she was lonely.

And so, Ginny agreed to sell the car to the dealership that had serviced it for all those years. Now, mom has company, Betsy is helping someone in need and we have piece of mind. It feels like a win all the way around.